Another Valentines' Disaster
by Jiwwy
Summary: A challenge from Chaw. Has squid, Bitterness Brews, no Neville for most of it, Cupid Hermoninny, a pairing NO ONE has ever thought of (I assure you... unless this fandom is weirder than I ever imagined), and punk-rock Snape.


1 Challenge from Chaw  
  
1. Snape must be genuinely nice to Hermy *  
  
2. Someone must think Professor McGonnagal is hot*  
  
3. Someone gets lost in the eginning of the story and isn't found until the end.  
  
4. Hagrid shaves*  
  
5. The squid has babies*  
  
6. Jilly and Chaw make an apperance! 3*  
  
7. Hermy is confused about her sexuality 3*  
  
8. Haruka makes an appearance*  
  
9. Someone explodes*  
  
***  
  
2 Another Valentines' Disaster  
  
***  
  
by Jiwwy  
  
***  
  
As February 14th arrived again on the shocked, cringing masses of Hogwarts, everyone, er. was shocked and cringing. Yeah.  
  
The most shocked and cringiest of all was the fifth-year Potions class last period that fateful Friday that consisted of the Gryffindors, Slytherins, and Snape.  
  
Hermione Granger was leaning with her elbows on her cauldron, trying not to mind the horrible spell of the Bitterness Brew they were supposed to be stirring. She was yawning and staring at Ron Weasley, because her having a crush on him is what so many shippers yearn for, so whatever. She sneezed.  
  
Snape jumped up from the parchments he was grading. "Five points from Gryffindor!"  
  
Hermione stared at Snape. "But I was sneez-"  
  
"TEN! Ten points from Gryffindor."  
  
Hermione blinked, sighed, and went back to staring at Ron, seeing as her potion was done, and had been for fifteen minutes. A few minutes later Snape made his rounds. He glared at Neville, who looked as petrified as he ever did. "Longbottom! I want you to test your own brew." He said nastily, looking from Neville's wide, terrified eyes to the potion in the cauldron, the only pink one in the room.  
  
"S-sir."  
  
"NOW LONGBOTTOM!" Snape screamed, and even the Slytherins jumped. Neville looked ready to cry, and finally took a dipper, sipped some of the potion, and.  
  
BANG! .  
  
Exploded. Neville had gone in the crack of the instant.  
  
Snape sneered. "What you have just seen is an invisibility drought. And not a good one. Mr. Longbottom should be back with us within the period."  
  
Everyone blinked rapidly and stared at Neville's empty seat.  
  
"BACK TO WORK!"  
  
Everyone stirred their cauldron busily, even the ones that were done.  
  
A few seconds later, there was a swift knocking on the door. "Severus!"  
  
Snape swooped over and opened the door. Professor McGonagall stood there, spectacles lopsided, breathing hard, like she'd just run from the Great Hall, which she had.  
  
"Snape, what in God's name is going on in here?"  
  
He stared down at the floor and kicked it. "Nothing." He said innocently.  
  
"Now Professor Snape, surely-"  
  
Snape blushed as Hermione spoke up in a crisp, bossy tone. "Miss Granger, do you want to loose twent- er, I mean." cough "Hermione, dear, please don't speak without being called on." Being even this nice seemed positively tortuous to poor Severus. He smiled a greasy smile to McGonagall, seeming to think it polite, and she nodded slowly and left.  
  
At the end of potions Snape sat down at his desk, staring at the to-be- graded-parchment and looking quite sad. "Granger?" he suddenly snapped as she was heading out the door last with Harry and Ron.  
  
"Professor?" She asked, a bit wearily.  
  
"Granger, I want you to help me with something. I know you're a rather big teachers' pet, and I know Minerva's practically in love with you."  
  
Hermione stared. "Er, um, I. suppose?"  
  
Snape sighed. "Eh, I was wondering if. you could tell me. would she. Er, What. what kind of a man she might like?"  
  
Hermione looked as though she'd just choked on a rather big, splintery chicken bone. "Uh. Well. I. Suppose."  
  
***  
  
Later that night, at the Valentine's Day Feast, both Snape and Hagrid were absent from the high table. Hermione was looking around, feeling rather antsy.  
  
She glanced sideways up at the high table, where McGonagall was sitting with dark red robes on. McGonagall winked and Hermione blushed. Maybe this wouldn't be an H/R fic after all.  
  
Suddenly Hagrid appeared at the door, with Madame Maxime at his side. He grinned widely, which looked painful considering all the nicks and cuts all over his face. Had he been a normal-sized man he'd have bled to death, but the effect was worth it- Hagrid had shaved and for once in his life looked actually well-groomed. However, this was hardly the most amazing thing as he carried in his arms a huge. A huge, four-foot long baby Hagrid!  
  
"We're callin' 'im Paul!" He hollered with a huge, sweet grin on his face, the same he'd had when he tried to carry Norbert. right before Norbert spit up flames all over his bed.  
  
At that same moment, Snape was trying to come in the doors, but of course was overshadowed by the giants. As they finally made room they could see him. he was standing in the doorway. His hair was spiked with Muggle gel and someone had painted freckles on his face with a makeup pen. He looked like a black-haired Ron in sweeping black robes, trying not to look nasty and only barely succeeding. Hermione blushed furiously, quite taken with this look she'd given him. Ron noticed the Weasley-esque freckles and Hermione's beet-red face, staring between the two in disbelief.  
  
McGonagall, however, looked nearly ecstatic, to Snape's great pleasure. He took the box of chocolate frogs and brought them up to her, both of them reddening but eager.  
  
Somehow Hagrid had gotten back outside, and he burst in again. "The giant squid! She's spwwning!"  
  
Dumbledore looked confused as the entire assembly went out to the lake. "But she's the only giant squid in the hemisphere, AND she can't get out of the lake!" he called. "How could she have been, er," he coughed. "Impregnated?"  
  
"Why do you think I broke up with Krum?" Hermione whispered to Ron as they walked to the lake. "He wasn't just swimming in that damned pond, you know." He sniggered.  
  
Out on the grounds there was lots of shivering and a few cases of snogging to keep warm. Snape would have normally quickly put a stop to this, but he was, er, otherwise occupied with McGonagall. Hermione took free time before the squidbabies were born to listen to the conversations around her. Two girls, one with short blonde hair and another with long brown, stood glaring at the water.  
  
"I thought you said she'd be here."  
  
"Really, Charlotte, you're getting quite delusional if you really believed that Haruka Tenoe would be at a British wizard boarding school."  
  
"You mean you were lying!? You bitch!"  
  
At that moment a girl with short sandy hair walked by. "Haruka!" breathed the brunette, and chased after the short-haired girl. The blonde sighed and followed her.  
  
Hermione turned back to the water, wondering how some people got into Hogwarts, when suddenly, with a pop, Neville Longbottom appeared in front of her with a tearstained face.  
  
"H-Hermione! Everyone forgot about me! I was locked in the p-p-potions dungeon for hours until Snape left! It was horrible!"  
  
"Awww, Neville, it's okay, just watch the squid have babies like all the normal people." She patted him on the head and they looked on- on- on to a new horizon.  
  
***  
  
Quite the dramatic ending, no?  
  
And that's the end of another exciting Valentines' Day at Hogwarts. Remember, kids, never tease a giant squid with labor pains. And, review. 3 


End file.
